Zak has the following questions:
I don't know if you remember me. Years ago we had some
communication, and then again we had a brief communication last year (I think)
I have been all around the block with spiritual teachers and
spiritual teachings. Finally I came to Ramana and self-inquiry; finally I came
to the point. The truth. The end. I knew from the moment I
read and heard about self-inquiry that it is the answer to all and the end of
duality.
I have been struggling with self-inquiry practice for a year
or so. I have been in communication with several of those who teach
and speak self-inquiry. I had two or three brief "awakenings" that
lasted a week at a time. Each time it was all seen. I am was seen,
I am not, was seen. All was so obvious. (or was it? It really is
impossible to know for sure). But time and time again bullshit returns.
For the past few days I have resolved to devote all my time
and energy into finding, once and for all, the truth. I just returned
from the closet, where I sat and stood in the darkness for hours from morning
into this afternoon. Fervently I try to see who I am. Awareness
seeing awareness. I am going to try until I don't anymore. Only
finding and seeing the truth will end the illusionary person who is trying to
find anything. That person is still here. Still seeking.
Still not finding anything but brief and weird (REALLY weird) metaphysical
experiences.
These experiences once dazzled me, but I am no longer here
for a light show. I am here for the TRUTH. Once and for all, god
damn it.
I have read everything I could find on the practice of
self-inquiry.
Every thing I have read remains cryptic. "Simply
turn awareness to awareness itself" "simply inquire, 'who am
I?'" My response is, HOW?
HOW? HOW? I can make up thoughts about these things, I
can try to blindly do what is suggested, I can try to observe present
experience, I can try to drop all and let go, yet nothing is seen. No
ending of self. No beginning of peace. HOW does one REALLY
self-inquire?
The seeking still seeks. Your response may be,
"what sees that the seeking still seeks?" I have tried
that. I have tried it all. (really)
Thank you for your time and your kindness.
I look forward to your reply.
- Zak
Hi Zak,
I definitely remember you. Thanks for your questions. I like
your energy and determination. That’s the kind of energy that will transport
you to the other shore. Ramana’s recommendation is to practice with the energy
of a drowning man fighting for air. Practicing with that energy, you will see
that the other shore is your identity even now.
Ramana also recommends finding out who you really are. That’s where you actually stand. The place
where you stand will determine how you seem to experience the world, life, and
your thoughts. For instance, if you stand as a physical body then physical
matter will seem to be the center of things. If you stand as your mind then
your thoughts will seem to be the center of your experience.
If you stand as the thought ‘I’ then the person will seem to
be the center of your experience. For instance you said,
“I can make up
thoughts about these things, I can try to blindly do what is suggested, I can
try to observe present experience, I can try to drop all and let go, yet nothing
is seen.”
How many times in this quote do you use the word “I”? Is
that “I” you or is it just another thought in your mind, another thing that you
see?
The secret to Self Inquiry is that you are aware of the
subject “I” as well as the various struggles that you have with your mind. The
thought “I” is an imposture; it is not really you. It is like a thief dressing
up like a policeman and then trying to catch the thief. Will this policeman
ever succeed?
You are not a thought. You are the ever-present Awareness. You do not see Awareness
as a separate object. You know Awareness because you are Awareness.
See, what happens is that people overlook the living quality
of Awareness and assign the utmost importance to their thoughts. Then they
begin to feel that it’s the thoughts that shape their experience and define
their identity. But the whole time they are struggling with their thoughts,
they stand as the witness of their struggles as well as the witness of the one
who seems to be struggling. So Self-Inquiry is returning to your real center
and looking at things from here. From here you will know the way things really
are.
The Feeling of going
in and out of realization
You mentioned that you had experiences of realization that
lasted for a week at a time. You said,
“All was so obvious. (or was it?
It really is impossible to know for sure) But time and time again
bullshit returns.”
I’m glad that you mentioned this because when I was
practicing I had the same experience. From within the experience it seemed like
it would last forever. But then I would come “down” again and I didn’t know
why. Moreover, when I came down, my suffering seemed a little more intense that
it was before. So what was going on?
Well one day it occurred to me to ask, “What am I coming
down to anyway?” After all that’s what I was taking to be my real home, or what
was really true. I thought, “I have really high meditations but the place that
I come back to when I am not looking, that’s what I am taking to be me or just
the way I am.”
I can take a nice long vacation to place a like Hawaii. But at the end
when my vacation is over I will return to my home in California. When you wake up you will see
that it’s like returning home, to a place that’s all inclusive where there is
no other place to go or no other identity to slip back into.
In my case for instance I was taking the world to be a scary
place that was completely separate from me. So in the end I was coming down to
the guy who struggles with the world. When I recognized this framework as a
limiting concept and not reality, all of the sudden I eliminated a place that I
regularly came down to.
It was soon after that that I saw that my real mistake was
taking “I” to be a limited person and not the omnipresent Awareness. That’s
when I woke up.
So what I recommend is that if you don’t wake up after
reading this blog, let’s dig through the bullshit and see if we can find the
unexamined concepts that you are coming down to. You will then see that just by becoming
aware of your conceptual frameworks (the things you take to be true) you will
be free of them. You will find your life and your meditations changing in way
that you would never have expected.
Who experiences
reality?
Also one more point about doubting the validity of your
experiences. When you stand as Awareness, things become very clear and simple.
But your thinking is too limited. That’s why when you feel centered in your
thoughts, you may wonder, “Did I really experience that?” Yes, you did
experience reality. But the “you” was not your mind. The “you” was reality
experiencing itself with no other thing to stand in between. So “you” as
thoughts did not experience reality. It was Awareness experiencing itself.
Finally I just wanted to mention that I highly recommend
Ramana Maharshi. Stick with his teachings and you will surely wake up. And if
this raises any more questions that I can help you with, please feel free to
ask. I don’t want you to end up with a better mental concept of what nonduality
is. I want you to wake up to your direct experience.
Finding support for your practice
This is a more advanced article. If you want a basic
understanding of this path, or if you want support as you practice throughout
the year go to: www.light-up-your-life.com.
Read down the page and enjoy the wonderful pointers to your Self-Nature. Also
notice the many links to resources that are available to you.
You can also read through the archives of this blog and you
will see how it is possible to find the innate freedom that’s right at your
center.
If you would like a step by step approach to getting to your
core and finding this freedom, you can get my book, “Making Your Wisdom Come
Alive.”
Here questions about this article or other things going on
in your life are always welcome; you can write us at michael@ananya.com. I love questions and
try to answer them all in this blog. That’s because when you start to question
limitation, you are on the verge of destroying it.
Tell your friends
If you enjoy these blogs, tell your friends. Although we
don’t have money for advertising, we would love to see everyone who wants to,
wake up to the wisdom at their very core.
Best Wishes,
Michael Gluckman